I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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