Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
