If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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