He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhhâ€
Randomize
