my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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