Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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