his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
