Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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