Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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