Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
