Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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