And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
