96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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