This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
