My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
