so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
