I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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