Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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