My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He shit in the fireplace
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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