I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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