Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
