Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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