hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
