So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
