He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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