You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
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There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
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She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My life is pants optional.
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