Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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