The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
