HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
