dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i will never coherently bang her
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This baby is an asshole
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
