I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
