I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
