my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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