My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
