Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
