I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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