and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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