So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
