Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
