Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
