I wanna eat
then eat your cupcake
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want