i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
