watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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