She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
