I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
