the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
