While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
