I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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