im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
