Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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