Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it's like iHOP with fire
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
