At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
