3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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