Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
