If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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